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Lazy Jack
Appalachian tale as retold by Dr. Mike Lockett, The Normal Storyteller

"Lazy Jack!"  A long time ago, there was a boy named Jack.  Jack lived with his Mama.  I don't know what happened to the Daddy in the story!  Now Jack had never worked a "lick" in his life.  In fact, that's how Jack got the name he's known for, "LAZY Jack."

One day, Jack's Mama came to him and said," Jack, You got to go to work."

"Work?" asked Jack, "What's that?"

"Never mind that, Jack.  Just go down the road and do whatever the farmer tells you to do," said his Mama.

So, bein' the good boy that he was, Jack went down the road and worked all day for the farmer.  He did SUCH a good job, that at the end of the day, the farmer gave him a whole handful of ... change.  Jack had never seen money before and didn't know what to do with it.  So, he tossed one coin up in the air and, "KERPLUNK," it went right into the creek.  He tossed another coin into the air and it went, "CLINK, CLINK, CLICK," and got stuck between two wooden 2 X 4's on the bridge.  He lost another coin in the mud puddle and another in the cornfield, until by the time Jack got home, he'd lost every single cent.

His Mama looked at him and asked, "Jack, Did you go to work"

"Sure did!" answered Jack.

"Did you get paid?" asked his Mama.

"Yep!  Sure did!" said Jack.

"Well, where is it?" asked his Mama.

"Uh Oh," said Jack, "And he told her what happened.  That's when she SLOPPED him up the side of the head.  Some folks think it's mean to slap, but this is WORSE.  To slop someone, you lick your hand first - then go "SLOP!" right up the side of the head.

Then, she said, "Jack, You ain't got a lick of sense.  Use "yore hai'd," Jack, use yore hai'd."  Where I come from it's called a head!  Where Jack came from folks called it a "hai'd."

"Jack, the next time you get paid, you put it in your pocket!"

"Now, where you gonna put it?" asked his Mama."

"In my ... (pause so the listeners can complete the sentence) ... POCKET."

Now the next day, Jack went out and worked for the dairyman.  He milked cows all day, pulling on those "udder" things.  Then he churned up a big bunch of butter.  When he got done at the end of the day, the dairyman was so impressed with his work, that he gave Jack two of the biggest handfuls of butter you have ever seen.

Bein' the good boy that he was, Jack remembered what his Mama had told him, and he put the butter into his... (pause and let the listeners fill in the blank.)

Well, it was a powerful hot day outside, and the little green flies were swarmin' all around.  As Jack walked home, the butter started meltin' down his legs.  Then, he could feel it goin behind his knees.  Then he could feel it between his toes.  By the time Jack got home, his Mama thought he had a problem!

His Mama looked at him and asked, "Jack, Did you go to work"

"Sure did!" answered Jack.

"Did you get paid?" asked his Mama.

"Yep!  Sure did!" said Jack.

"Well, where is it?" asked his Mama.

"Uh Oh," said Jack, "And he told her what happened.  That's when she SLOPPED him up the side of the head.  Then, she said, "Jack, You ain't got a lick of sense.  Use "yore hai'd," Jack, use yore hai'd."

"Jack, the next time you get paid, if you get paid something SOFT, you put it in a bucket of cold water, and carry it home on top of your hai'd"

"Now, where you gonna put it?" asked his Mama."

"In a bucket of cold... (pause so the listeners can complete the sentence) ... WATER, and put it on your... (pause so the listeners can complete the sentence)... HAI'D!" 

Well, Jack went out the next day and worked all day for the rat catcher.  He spent all day catching mice and rats.  By the end of the day, he had worked so hard that the farmer gave him an old "Tom Cat."

Bein' the good boy that he was, Jack bent down and picked up the cat and started to pet it and found it was SOFT.  So, Jack took that cat and put it into a bucket of cold... WATER.  And TRIED to put it on top of his hai'd.

Now, that cat didn't like the water.  He started yowlin' and spittin' and then, Jack walked by a whole "passel" of dogs.  Those dogs saw the cat and, "WOOF, WOOF, MEOW!!!" Those dogs chased that cat clear over the top of a nearby hill!

Now when Jack got home, he was a scratched up mess.  His Mama thought he had been playin' in the berry bushes. 

His Mama looked at him and asked, "Jack, Did you go to work today?"

"Sure did!" answered Jack.

"Did you get paid?" asked his Mama.

"Yep!  Sure did!" said Jack.

"Well, where is it?" asked his Mama.

"Uh Oh," said Jack, "And he told her what happened.  That's when she SLOPPED him up the side of the head.  Then, she said, "Jack, You ain't got a a lick of sense.  Use "yore hai'd," Jack, use yore hai'd."

"Jack, the next time you get paid, you tie a string around it, and drag it home behind you.  Now, what you gonna do?

"Tie a ... String around it and ... (pause so the listeners can complete the sentence)... drag it home behind me," said Jack.

Well, Jack went out the next day and worked all day long for the ... BUTCHER!.  He worked all day cutting up sides of beef and all kinds of meat until by the end of the day, he had worked SO hard that the butcher gave him ... a long old ham bone with meat on it.  It was called a "ham hock."  It was the biggest ham hock that Jack had even seen.  So bein' the good boy that he was, Jack tied a ... (pause so the listeners can complete the sentence) string on it and started to ... (pause so the listeners can complete the sentence) ... drag it home behind him.

FUMMPITY FUMMPITY FUMP!  All down the road.  Jack went over a nail on the bridge.  The ham hock got caught and tore off a little "fat back."  But, Jack didn't mind!  He went across the corn field, "NIBBLE, NIBBLE, MUNCH, CHOMP!"  But, that didn't bother him.  Then, he went by the hill where he lost the cat, and here came the dogs, "WOOF, WOOF, WOOF!"

By the time Jack got home, he had a nibbled on, chewed on dirty old bome.

His Mama Looked at him and said, "Jack, Did you go to work today?"

"Sure did!" answered Jack.

"Did you get paid?" asked his Mama.

"Yep!  Sure did!" said Jack.

"Well, where is it?" asked his Mama.

"Uh Oh," said Jack, "And he told her what happened.  That's when she SLOPPED him up the side of the head.  Then, she said, "Jack, You ain't got a a lick of sense.  Use "yore hai'd," Jack, use yore hai'd."

"Jack, the next time you get paid, carry it home on you're ... BACK!  Now where you going to carry it?"

"On your ... (pause so the listeners can complete the sentence) ... BACK!

Well, Jack went down the road and worked all day the next day for the ... BLACKSMITH.  He spent all day putting shoes on horses and donkeys.  He did such a good job that at the end of the day, the blacksmith gave him a ... (pause so the listeners can complete the sentence) ... donkey.

Bein' the good boy that he was, Jack took the donkey and TRIED to put it onto his ... (pause so the listeners can complete the sentence) ... BACK.  He got one front leg over one shoulder and the other front leg over the other shoulder and started walking down the road looking pretty peculiar.

Not too far from Jack's house, there lived a KING.  Now this King had a daughter and she was UGLY!  Every day, all day, she stood around the palace looking ... UGLY!  She never smiled, and she never laughed, you know as well as I do that if you don't smile and don't laugh, you becime UGLY!

The King had told all the men in the kindgom if they could get his daughter to laugh or to smile that he'd give them his daughter's hand in marriage.  But the men looked at his daughter and said, "She's ugly!  We wouldn't touch her, let alone marry her."

Then then King said, "If you can get my daughter to laugh or to smile, you can have my daughter's hand in marriage AND half of all my money."

The men said, "She's ugly, but she'd rich, we'll try.  But try as they might, no one could get her to laugh or to smile until... You thought I'd forgot about Jack, but I didn't!"

Jack was walking down that road, carrying that donkey on his back.  The Princess stood at the window, looking out and saw Jack and started laughing, "Whooie, Daddy come and look at this!"

When the King heard such a strange laugh coming from his daughter, he wished he'd never made such a promise.  But, a promise is a promise, especially when it's made by the King.  So, the King sent out a messenger to talk to Jack.

"Jack," said the messenger, "You've got to marry the Princess," said the messenger."

"She's ugly!" said Jack.

"But, you get half the King's money," reminded the messenger.

"Okay, said Jack.  He sent the messenger to go get the preacher and his Mama.

"Do you take this woman to be your wife?" the preacher asked Jack.

Jack looked at her and almost said no, then he remembered all that money and said yes.

Then the preacher asked the Princess, "Do you take this man to be your husband."

"Whoopie, I sure do," squealed the Princess.

Jack hear her strange laugh and wished he'd said never yes - but it was too late.  He'd said, "I do," and so did she.  Jack gave her a little peck on the cheek, and they were married.

Jack even grew to lover over time, especially if she didn't laugh quite so strangely.  AND, he especially grew to loving all of that money.  Since he was so rich, he never had to work a "lick" in his life.  That's how he got the name for this story ... "LAZY JACK!"